The Support Has Been Incredible - 15 November 2015

The support I have received from friends and family near and afar has been incredible. My uncle in Boston calls up every so often, an old friend of parents called in from Singapore today, and a cousin from Klang came to visit. Relatives who have heard about it have been sending messages. My friends have offered their prayers and sympathy. But the thing is, I feel the support and yet it feels like a lonely road. I appreciate all the calls and messages but sometimes it feels like a lonely road because you still have to walk it.People support you but you still have to walk it, no one else can walk it for you.

And being single, naturally you instantaneously have to take a bigger slice of the cake.Not that this is an appropriate time to be moping or complaining about my relationship status but that's the reality of it. Not that I am complaining of having to look after my parents - in fact it is an honour and privilege to be able to look after your paretns but that's how things work in reality. I know friends will suggest that we fix a schedule and every child has their turn but the sad hard reality is that people with kids have their world revolve around their kids while singles well, have 'no life'. Taking a bigger slice of the duties also means one thing - being able to see the progress and little things that Dad does. And that's where it makes it an emotional exercise.I cry when I watch him relearn to eat. I cry when I see him raise his arm and he's moving it like a kid. I am happy but sad.I am happy when I see him progress. Then when I come home,the water works start.

I know social media is a bad influence, but sometimes you do end up looking at your peers' pictures , especially couples, and you think: that's what life should be in your 40s...building a whole new life with someone, exploring the world and such. But of course Facebook doesnt really give you the whole picture...if anything my profile looks like I am having such a fabulous life. Nobody knows the pain that I am going through. But it does make you think, "hey, why is everyone moving forward but I am going backwards?"

Anyway, I am very thankful though, that my cousin came to visit. For the first time in a few days I saw a big smile on Dad's face and his face lit up.He was laughing when we were talking.

I really dont know what God wants out of me. On one hand I should be thankful that I am afflicted, because it means I am on the right path..suffering is the road to glory in God's kingdom, as did Jesus. But I dont necessarily know that I will respond in the right way. I feel like I dont have enough faith. How do I believe more that He has such a wonderful plan for me at the end of the journey?I dont feel like I know how to rely on God, I dont.Is this the result of years of having a cushy and comfortable life?I never thought my life would be like this. Especially when I am at the prime of my life..I have sufficient money to do some things that I like and I have had enough experience (that's what I'd like to believe..) but yet I am being held back.

Anyway today's messagein church was from Mark 10:32 - 45...about greatnesss. God's view of greatness is totally the opposite of the world's view of greatness. In the world, greatness means wealth, status, position. SOmetimes I do feel like a loser. I dont have anything to boast for. Whatever I have has been a result of hard work, I am not the most brilliant person on earth, and I am someone people will easily look over because I am not loud and go about in my quiet way. The road to greatness requires a life of humility and servitude. I guess maybe God is trying to break me for this...But why dont I feel comforted with this fact?