Accupuncture Day 6 - 28 November 2015

Day 6 today. Dr Law said Dad has improved 60%. Dad's getting stronger....that's really great... but now also comes the worrying part - he gets restless at night. He tends to wake up, wants to talk, shifts and fidgets around. For the last 2 nights he has been throwing tantrums at night, wanting to shift the furniture around and demanding all sorts of things. He's really like a kid - it would be dangerous to leave him alone. According to Mom, 2 nights ago he was found on the floor near the table. Apparently he did not fall but he managed to push the bed off the wall and somehow slide himself on the floor to the table.

Another great thing is that he has been having a really good appetite. He can eat like 7 times a day.

This evening , after his dinner, which he complete finished everything, I took him for a walk around the pool... we enjoyed the fresh air and watched the sunset. Then I noticed his stubbles on his chin was getting too long, so I gave his face a shave outside. Mom was also sitting by the poolside reading the papers. Even though I've been so busy running around, I somehow feel so blessed to be able to spend this time with them. Even though sometimes I feel like a loser - ie never getting married and still stuck with my parents at this age - there is a certain sort of peace I feel being able to look after my parents and do things for them. I think I'm doing all i can, I dont feel any regret that i didnt do enough.

Sometimes I dont know If I am still in denial, or I've just come to accept reality. Or if I'm that strong. Or if I even have faith in God. I dont know. You just get on with it, I guess.

Accupuncture Days 2, 3, 4 - 25 to 27 November 2015

So far the accupuncture seems to be going well.. - I think. Well, I cant really tell the difference, all I know is that Dad can stand up a little more stable now, but it's only been 4 sessions of accupuncture so i won't really know. Dad's been having his free durian ice cream treat though.

I've always been a loner and I've always enjoyed being alone but for the first time in my life I feel really alone. Maybe it's good training for when I get older. I look tired, I feel so terribly lonesome, but... I've got to hold on.

I don't really feel like writing now. Maybe it's because I'm expecting my period, But I just feel awful.I'm going for a Japanese meal soon to make myself feel better.

Physiotherapy follow up #2 HKL - 24 November 2015

Dad went for his second physio follow up at the hospital today. I explained to the physio that while he has been gaining strength, his coordination has been poor. She recommended that he did more stretching exercises as his muscles are always tense which make movement harder.

Today we did purely hand stretches and some standing up (about 5 times). There were many MAHSA students on their internship today and naturally Dad was a guinea pig, which I am not complaining as I also learn together with them on how to handle him.

They recommended 3 stretches: (looks like the knowledge I learnt during my Personal Training Certification is coming back into use again)

1. Passive stretching: Dad lies down on the bed and we place one hand on his shoulder and the other hand on his wrist and roll it back and forth like a rolling pin.

2.Overhead stretches lying down - get him to extend his arm all the way back while lying down

3. Proprioceptive neuromuscular facilitation - Get Dad to sit at the edge of the bed, with both hands by his side, Sitting upright, chest opened up, get him to press his palms against the bed.

Feeling kind of flat out today, signing off.

Accupuncture Day 1 - 23 November 2015

Second uncle was kind enough to bring Dad to the accupuncturist today. This accupuncturist is a friend of his, who is a dentist by profession but has practised accupuncture, specialising in stroke patients for the last 40 years. His practice is somehwere in Selayang, where the Ground and First Floors of the building is used tor accupuncture, and the second floor, his dentist clinic. (I note that there is a chiller on the Ground floor which has a sign which says " Free Durian Ice Cream", however the chiller was empty)

I signed up for an 18 session package, which costed me RM1300. I really hope this helps to a certain extent. Of course the damage has been done, you cant ever get back to pre-stroke days, but i really hope it strengthens him.

Anyway, on physio today, Dad seemed to have a bit of difficulty coordinating his right hand..he will be doing all sorts of things with it, then when I ask him to do the exercises on his left hand, which is his good hand, he keeps doing it on the right hand still. He has difficulty lifting the right hand above table level when he is seated, and it starts to move everywhere. He looks like he is about to give up, but I have to keep encouraging him. It just breaks my heart. I know he is frustrated and so am I.

After dinner Dad went to sleep, he was curled up under the comforter. I watched him sleep like a baby, while Mom dozed off while seated in her chair. In the silence, I heard from a distance the call to prayer, and in my heart I prayed to the Lord as well. I hope this accupuncture treatment works, and I hope Dad gets better. I pray my Mom remains healthy and strong during this time.

Most of the time I behave like I've got my act together but it's in these quiet moments that I always break down.

It's only been 2 weeks , but I miss having my folks at home.

Guilty - 21 November 2015

So apparently my dad complained that I am giving him too much exercise...what I'm giving him isnt any different from what the physio gives him, in fact I made it in a more relaxed manner... in between exercises I took him around the swimming pool on the wheelchair. I just didnt want him making excuses not to do the exercises....you know how quickly one loses strength when we stop exercising.

Maybe I pushed him too hard? I dont know. But I am the disciplinarian sort of person - If the physio says cycle for 15 minutes, then 15 minutes it is. And he didnt look like he was in any kind of pain or discomfort when he was doing it.But he made a lot of noise AFTER the exercise.

I feel guilty and lousy about the whole thing. Maybe I shouldnt be so hard on him, and not so hard on myself either. I'm just trying my best. I really shouldnt let myself be affected so easily. Oh well, the only thing I can look forward to to take my mind of things is it's football weekend again tonight after a break last week.

Tired - 21 November 2015

I have been so tired that on a few occasions, I've dozed off to sleep in the hall wearing the same clothes I have been wearing all day, with the lights on. I've only managed to clock in exercise twice this week, the other days being very tired and needing a lie-in

I'm still on a bit of a roller coaster, even tearing when I read Philippians 3:7-14 today. But I am reminded to press on forward and not look back, making the best of what I have now and not what I wish life would be.

I also have to remember that my assignment on this earth is temporary, and my purpose in life is to fulfill His purpose and not my selfish purposes. It is tough, I long for many things to do, to explore this world, to have someone to hold me and say "everything's going to be ok" but hey, I dont get to choose.. I really dont.Everything I've ever had I've been made to wait... wait.. and wait. I have to believe that this is going to make me a better and stronger person.

It's hard to let go of my ideals but maybe I should just stop fighting it and as a friend said "DOn't think so much. just go with the flow"

It's been quite nice preparing meals for Mom, although simple ones since I don't have a lot of time and I have to manage between work and visiting Dad. It brings me back to the time where she would prepare my meals in the morning for me to take to school. There's a sense of joy in being able to give back to my parents what they have given to me.I think my Mom's proud of me and it's a wonderful feeling.

An OK day -19 November 2015

It's been an ok sort of day. That's because today is the first day since my dad was stricken with stroke that I've worked a full day.

I called uncle SinHuat in Boston and Dad spoke to him. Amazingly my uncle could somewhat understand Dad even though the latter was slurring and the former was unable to see Dad's facial expression to assist hi to understand. Uncle reminded Dad to be patient and to be persistent with physiotherapy.

The Malay lady in the next room requested for wholemeal bread, which I bought for her but refused to take money for it. Her immediate response was 'Are you a Christian?' And then 'are you a Protestant?' It's nice to know that acts of kindness and generosity is always associated with Christians.I only hope that whatever sacrifice I have made for my parents during this time, that the glory goes back to Him and that it leads my parents to Him.

Hope

Emotional check 18 November 2015

Frustrated. Anxiety.Tired.

I feel pretty frustrated doing the physio as he can't follow instructions properly. And he can't keep his right leg straight. He always had his eyes closed and not looking at what he does.

then there is that renovation to think about.

For Someone Who Didnt Want Children... sigh- 18 November 2015

Dad learnt to stand up a bit yesterday and the nurse assisted him a little bit to try to scoop food with his right hand.

Today we had our first follow up physiotherapy session at the hospital. The doctor said that while Dad has some mobility and a good range of motion, he lacks coordination. She made him get up and lie down a few times - things he needs to learn to do on a daily basis by himself. She also made him cycle with for 15 minutes at Level 2 resistance and hand cycle at Level 1 resistance for 15 minutes. As he was unable to hold and grip the handle with his right hand, she had to strap him right hand on.

She also made him move stacked cones one by one from the right to left. I need to look for children's toys which teach you hand coordination. Or if I cant find any I guess I have to improvise. It is then that I realised also I need to be equipped at all times as a mother to a child - ensuring I have tissues, wet tissues, water etc with me wherever I go and whenever I am with Dad.

Life's ironic isn't it? For someone who didn't want to have a child nor have the burden and responsibility of doing these things.

And of course, shit always happens. A million and one things to do and the key had to break in the backdoor and poor Caramel is locked out. Managed to call a locksmith but they charged a frigging RM100 for house call. Well I haven't much choice as I needed to get it done quickly.

My ambition is to be lazy but I guess God is not putting up with any of that nonsense. I still wonder why He thinks I am a good candidate at all to do any of His work.

Slight Progress - 16 November 2015

Today I was not weepy at all. Ok, it looks like on days that i do exercise, the tendency is for me not to feel down. I guess I still need to squeeze in exercise no matter how busy I am. Started the day with some tabata training. I find that high intensity exercises help me to cope with stress better.

We've been eating out quite a bit so I've decided to prepare meals for my Mom. I dont know how working moms do it, balance between looking after the kids and working. I sometimes prepare the ingredients the night before so it's less of a rush for me in the morning. I usually have to get everything done before 11am as I need to ensure that Dad gets his physio done before 11.30am. I also need to plan my meals a day before so that I can thaw any meat if required. Then I find myself sweeping dried leaves from the porch..things that i never used to do!

TOday I noticed that Dad can turn over to his left side. Before this he could only turn to his right side as his right side is the weaker side. Today he also obediently did his physio without any resistance and was extremely cooperative. Usually he would pull a long face when I ask him to do it but obliges the physiotherapist instead. He did almost non stop 10 minutes of cycling. I also notice he does the exercises on his own whenever he is awake without prompting. Today he learnt to squeeze a stressball.

Sometimes I just feel panicky, like my heart is racing and I need to take deep breaths to calm myself. I remind myself that this situation is not special to me..that there are many people going through it too. I should really stop having this "why me?" mentality.

The Support Has Been Incredible - 15 November 2015

The support I have received from friends and family near and afar has been incredible. My uncle in Boston calls up every so often, an old friend of parents called in from Singapore today, and a cousin from Klang came to visit. Relatives who have heard about it have been sending messages. My friends have offered their prayers and sympathy. But the thing is, I feel the support and yet it feels like a lonely road. I appreciate all the calls and messages but sometimes it feels like a lonely road because you still have to walk it.People support you but you still have to walk it, no one else can walk it for you.

And being single, naturally you instantaneously have to take a bigger slice of the cake.Not that this is an appropriate time to be moping or complaining about my relationship status but that's the reality of it. Not that I am complaining of having to look after my parents - in fact it is an honour and privilege to be able to look after your paretns but that's how things work in reality. I know friends will suggest that we fix a schedule and every child has their turn but the sad hard reality is that people with kids have their world revolve around their kids while singles well, have 'no life'. Taking a bigger slice of the duties also means one thing - being able to see the progress and little things that Dad does. And that's where it makes it an emotional exercise.I cry when I watch him relearn to eat. I cry when I see him raise his arm and he's moving it like a kid. I am happy but sad.I am happy when I see him progress. Then when I come home,the water works start.

I know social media is a bad influence, but sometimes you do end up looking at your peers' pictures , especially couples, and you think: that's what life should be in your 40s...building a whole new life with someone, exploring the world and such. But of course Facebook doesnt really give you the whole picture...if anything my profile looks like I am having such a fabulous life. Nobody knows the pain that I am going through. But it does make you think, "hey, why is everyone moving forward but I am going backwards?"

Anyway, I am very thankful though, that my cousin came to visit. For the first time in a few days I saw a big smile on Dad's face and his face lit up.He was laughing when we were talking.

I really dont know what God wants out of me. On one hand I should be thankful that I am afflicted, because it means I am on the right path..suffering is the road to glory in God's kingdom, as did Jesus. But I dont necessarily know that I will respond in the right way. I feel like I dont have enough faith. How do I believe more that He has such a wonderful plan for me at the end of the journey?I dont feel like I know how to rely on God, I dont.Is this the result of years of having a cushy and comfortable life?I never thought my life would be like this. Especially when I am at the prime of my life..I have sufficient money to do some things that I like and I have had enough experience (that's what I'd like to believe..) but yet I am being held back.

Anyway today's messagein church was from Mark 10:32 - 45...about greatnesss. God's view of greatness is totally the opposite of the world's view of greatness. In the world, greatness means wealth, status, position. SOmetimes I do feel like a loser. I dont have anything to boast for. Whatever I have has been a result of hard work, I am not the most brilliant person on earth, and I am someone people will easily look over because I am not loud and go about in my quiet way. The road to greatness requires a life of humility and servitude. I guess maybe God is trying to break me for this...But why dont I feel comforted with this fact?

physiotherapy - November 14, 2015

Rollercoaster - 14 November 2015

The roller coaster emotions have begun. So far I have been feeling really positive. Yesterday passed by without me shedding a tear, and my emotions reflected that of the day - bright, sunny with blue skies. Infact I was still feeling on top of the world this morning. Dad has made such wonderful progress in physio. He is able to touch his head and nose with his right hand, as well as cycle. He has been able to sit upright at the table for his meals.

Suddenly my emotions dipped during the second half of the day. Fear crept into me. I downloaded some guide to surviving stroke, and it reminded me that life will never be the same after a stroke..then it made me think, is my positive attitude because I am in denial? Am I deluded? Or just plain positive? I was also told that the first 5 -30 days after a stroke is the most critical time to get the physio done....any improvement thereafter is immaterial. Then the fear crept in again. What if Dad never stands again? Never walks again?

I watched him have his dinner. He is learning to be independent again but had to use his left hand to feed himself. It broke my heart to watch him learn to eat and to do the easy basic things in life which we take for granted. I just cried.

The most difficult part is the aphasia. Fortunately or unfortunately he already had this problem due to dementia - it's when the thought is in your head and you know what it is, but you cant verbalise it. he would keep repeating the same things again and again, and using numbers. When he talked about meals, he referred to it as 1, 2, 3, 4 - 1 being breakfast, 2 lunch, 3 tea and 4 dinner...then he would repeat himself again and again. The heartbreaking part is not being able to understand each other.He would tell me something and most of the time I am not able to understand him but I agree in order not to get him flustered, and hoping that he would have forgotten the conversation by the next day.

I took Mom out for dinner, brought her back home for her to shower and pack more things, and then I dropped her off at the home again. I came home and just bawled my eyes out. I had earlier planned to have dinner with my girlfriends but had to cancel after this all happened. But they called me up and said they would take me out for drinks.Girlfriends are really the best.

I just pray very hard that Dad would heal and that he would find his mobility again.

Getting a grip of things

Out of the Hospital - 12 November 2015

Finally Dad is discharged from the hospital! We moved him into the nursing home today. Initially he was resistant to the idea as he was worried that the cost would be exorbitant, but I lied and told him it was a reasonable rate at RM30 a day. Lord, I know we are not supposed to lie, I wonder what You think of this? Besides we convinced him that the room downstairs was not ready, and that we needed time to have it renovated. Also he's getting proper care and he needs to do all the physiotherapy if he wants to get better.

He's made a remarkable improvement in physio from yesterday, he can now bend his right leg and straighten it on his own, although after a while he gets tired and needs assistance. Also he seems to be able to raise his hand up a bit more. He seemed a little bit more settled at the home compared to the hospital.

It's been 4 tiring days rushing around with no proper or late meals. But with Dad's rate of recovery, all I can say is I am very thankful to God Strangely yesterday's Our Daily Bread message was from Mark 2, about the paralyzed man and how his friends' faith in God saved him.

I am also thankful to all the caregivers who looked after my Dad..I hope their kindness will be repaid.So far all the nurses and helpers at this home are gentle, patient and kind. Things I need to learn.

Finding Grace - 11 November 2015

It was a mad sort of day.Went to the gym as usual. Came home, sent Mom for a haircut, had my brekkie, hung the laundry, picked Mom up , then helped her to clear the dining area to convert to a bedroom. Just as I was clearing the old stuff, bro calls me to tell me that they were conducting physio at the hospital at that moment. And as the caregiver, I needed to go in to observe.I dropped what I did and immediately rushed to the hospital...only to be stuck in good ol' KL jam. By the time I got to the hospital, physio was over, and it wasnt visiting hours yet. I wasnt allowed to hang around the ward, so I went to the cafeteria for a drink. Went back during visiting hours, and found that Dad had had his meal. I was nicely surprised that he had consumed quite a lot of his lunch..I thank Fahmi the male nurse who looked after him.. he is a real gem, a really nice and patient guy. We've always thought that women are better caregivers, but I think male nurses are a lot more patient.

So after visiting hours, I went back to the cafeteria again, and rushed back for the physio. Yesterday dad still could not lift up his right hand or moved his right leg much and today he made remarkable progress! he was able to lift up his right hand and straighten his right leg, although bending it he needed some assitance. He was also able to turn right and left while he was on the bed. He was able to stand up with some assistance as well. I thank God that he has made progress so quickly. Now the trick is to keep him going at it.

Meanwhile, bro was looking for nursing homes where we could check Dad in while we renovate the room. Yesterday when we went for dinner at a kopitiam at Jalan Ipoh, we happened to walk by a Stroke nursing home. I believe this is the providence of God. So brother went to check the place out today, plus another one in Damansara Perdana. The latter looked a bit miserable and run down, and the former was fully occupied. But he found out that they have another branch close to our home! It was a "coincidence" that God had led us to that kopitiam, which led us to that nursing home, which led us to the one near our home! He sent me pictures of the home and it looked really nice, clean and plush. In fact, I'd say that Dad would have better living conditions than me!

The other good thing is that i have been so tired, that every night I just completely knock out and get uninterrupted sleep. In fact I sleep better now than on normal days. I thank God that I am not having sleepless nights but instead am able to sleep very well.

It's been a long tiring day. But today I feel like I can smile and crack jokes. As mentioned in Peanuts, “Every time you find some humour in a difficult situation, you win.”

I may have graduated from the University of Western Australia, but really it is the University of Life that has taught me so much more.

Getting a grasp of things - 10 November 2015

Despite sleeping only at 2am I decided to go for my usual run at 7am. I've decided that despite having to make adjustment and changes in my life, I still need to have a semblance of my normal life. I need to stay sane. Gosh, Lord. Everything happened in a blink of an eye. So much growing up to do, so little time. So many things to plan for I dont even know where to start. We visited Dad at the hospital at 1230pm. To our surprise, they had removed the feeding tube and the remark above his bed was that he was allowed to be given food orally. Hallelujah! That is good news. It's the saddest thing if one cannot eat and enjoy their food anymore. As usual he was being his stroppy self, complaining about the nurses and all that. I feel so sad sometimes that he wants to strike a conversation with us, but half the time we cant understand a word he is saying and instead have to change the subject and talk about things he likes. It's frustrating for him and for us when we cant understand each other.

So many things we need to think about: 1. converting space downstairs for a room 2. clearing the space downstairs 3. getting a bed 4. getting wheelchairs 5. getting proper ventilation/air cond 6.installling mosquito netting 7. ensuring bright lights 8. installing water heater 9. getting day and night nurses

There are many changes that need to be done. Adjustment in our lives.We were told that once patients have stroke they are susceptible to pneumonia therefore need clean air. They are also susceptible to depression therefore we need to make the place bright

Lord, I dont have any strength. I have to remind myself that I can do this on Your strength.

We went back and later went to visit Dad again at 5.30pm. When we arrived, sis was feeding Dad and it was such a heartwarming picture. The whole family was there except Thean Yew and Loong who were at home because they were in the middle of exams. Dad looked so much happier! Family is so important. OHANA.

I know today is only the second day. SO far, aside from some weepy moments I guess I am ok..at least I think I am. I cry in my private moments but I need to be strong. Especially for my mom.I have seen her tearing sometimes. I'm usually known to be panicky but surprisingly I am able to keep calm. Maybe the reality hasnt set in. Maybe I have matured? Or maybe there are so many things to be done and looked into that I cant mope about it.

I think we can pull this together as a family. We can make it through if we have each other's support.

I guess this is why I am single. Come to think of it, this is only the beginning of things. After Dad, I have Mom to worry about too. I'm looking at the next 10 years of my life that is going to be so challenging. Is this a result of having such a cushy life for most of your life?

It's funny how majority of the time I have a negative outlook in life...but when dealt with adversity I have a more positive outlook. Not that I am Miss Sunshine, but it's accepting the reality and thinking, I HAVE to manage this, come what may.Sometimes you just have to take it on the chin.

My Dear Lord, I need You more than anything else.I do. Please help me.

A new phase in life - 9 November 2015

Things can change in a blink of an eye. I took Mom and Dad with Jon for dinner at TGIF's on Sunday night...Dad ordered prawn fettucine, and he thoroughly enjoyed his meal.What I didnt know was that that would have been his last meal that he would be able to feed himself.

On 9th November, Monday morning, I went out to the gym as usual in the morning. When I came back, the hall lights were not switched on, which was unusual as Mom usually would be awake. Giving the benefit of the doubt I thought perhaps both my parents could have been very tired and just got up late. As I was preparing breakfast,Mom just came down and told me that Dad couldnt get up. I went up to see him and he was sleeping.I thought it could have been one of his episodes where he didnt sleep well and therefore didnt have the strength or energy to get out of bed.

So I went to work as usual. While I was at work, something rang a bell and I thought , perhaps he could have had a stroke? I called my brother and he said he would go and see him later. He did, and called me to tell me that he did a few tests on dad, when he asked him to smile there was no sign of sagging on one side. he also asked him to raise his arms..while he couldnt raise his right arm, he did show some movement, so my brother said he didnt think he has stroke. Somehow I had this nagging feeling.. perhaps you dont need all the symptoms to show that you have stroke, jsut anyone would do. We discussed this and decided we should send him to the hospital to pre-empt any serious damage.

I called Hospital Kuala Lumpur (HKL) to ask how about to get an ambulance. It would have been difficult for my brother and i to carry down Dad on our own, especially when Dad is not able to move himself or get up at all - he was not even able to sit up on his own. HKL told me to call 999, which we did. When my brother called 999 he was directed to HKL again, and had to answer 1001 questions about Dad and his symptoms before they would despatch an ambulance. Finallly after waiting for 30 minutes, an ambulance arrived. To our shock they said they were from PPUm and they were going to send Dad there. We told him that this cannot happen as Dad's records are all in HKL and besides, we had made arrangements with Dr Ngau to receive him there. They told us that that is how it works, when you call 999, they will direct to HKL which manages all the emergency cases and they will allocate the cases according to area. So happens our area falls under PPUM. They were unable to send Dad to HKL as they are under orders to send only to PPUM and should they do otherwise, they will be questioned.

Then the paramedic told us that there were 3 options we could do: 1.They send Dad to PPUM 2. They help us to carry him into our own car and we take him ourselves 3. Call for a private ambulance

For option 2 he said that first he needed to assess Dad's situation to see if it's possible for us to take him in our car as it is risky. After assessing Dad's condition, he found that his BP was too high and that he was in a state of confusion as he didnt even know where he was. He also took his blood glucose level which was 5.7 (normal). So we had no choice but to call for a private ambulance which costed us RM250.

The private ambulance took about 2 hours to arrive. When we called, they were making other trips and told us they could only be at our place in 1 hour. But due to the jam, and they also lost their way, it took them a good 2 hours to arrive. Finally they arrived after a long wait and we were on our way to HKL.

By the time we arrived, it was 7pm. The doctor informed that they needed to do a CT SCAn and also some blood tests to determine what the problem was. Finally, the result showed that there was a burst vessel in Dad's brain which cost some bleeding. Although the bleeding was minor, about 1cm long, it affected the right part of his body and his swallowing reflex. That meant he has difficulty in swallowing, with high susceptibility to choking, and that could cause the food to go into his lungs instead. As such they needed to insert Ryles tube into his nostril to feed him via the nostril.

By the time we got him warded in the Neuro ward, it was about 1.30am and by the time we got home it was 2am. what a long day it had been.