Rollercoaster - 14 November 2015

The roller coaster emotions have begun. So far I have been feeling really positive. Yesterday passed by without me shedding a tear, and my emotions reflected that of the day - bright, sunny with blue skies. Infact I was still feeling on top of the world this morning. Dad has made such wonderful progress in physio. He is able to touch his head and nose with his right hand, as well as cycle. He has been able to sit upright at the table for his meals.

Suddenly my emotions dipped during the second half of the day. Fear crept into me. I downloaded some guide to surviving stroke, and it reminded me that life will never be the same after a stroke..then it made me think, is my positive attitude because I am in denial? Am I deluded? Or just plain positive? I was also told that the first 5 -30 days after a stroke is the most critical time to get the physio done....any improvement thereafter is immaterial. Then the fear crept in again. What if Dad never stands again? Never walks again?

I watched him have his dinner. He is learning to be independent again but had to use his left hand to feed himself. It broke my heart to watch him learn to eat and to do the easy basic things in life which we take for granted. I just cried.

The most difficult part is the aphasia. Fortunately or unfortunately he already had this problem due to dementia - it's when the thought is in your head and you know what it is, but you cant verbalise it. he would keep repeating the same things again and again, and using numbers. When he talked about meals, he referred to it as 1, 2, 3, 4 - 1 being breakfast, 2 lunch, 3 tea and 4 dinner...then he would repeat himself again and again. The heartbreaking part is not being able to understand each other.He would tell me something and most of the time I am not able to understand him but I agree in order not to get him flustered, and hoping that he would have forgotten the conversation by the next day.

I took Mom out for dinner, brought her back home for her to shower and pack more things, and then I dropped her off at the home again. I came home and just bawled my eyes out. I had earlier planned to have dinner with my girlfriends but had to cancel after this all happened. But they called me up and said they would take me out for drinks.Girlfriends are really the best.

I just pray very hard that Dad would heal and that he would find his mobility again.