I Wish I Could Shut Suffering Out

Sometimes I think Buddhism makes perfect sense. Shut suffering out from your life. It isnt the truth, but sometimes it feels like it's practical for survival.

SOmetimes I dont know what I'm going through. Have i become stronger? Have I become numb? Or am I in denial and just shutting everything out? I know I sometimes shut mhy emotions out. Not think too much about things. Otherwise how can I function day to day?

SOme days I just dont feel like waking up to reality. I;m tired of being a Martha running around and doing things. Can I just be a Mary for once? But no, responsibility beckons. Can I shirk off my responsiblities?

That's why I say Buddhism sometimes makes perfect sense. SHut yourself out. Live in isolation. I think you would DEFINITELY be a much happier person. Right now I could do with shutting a lot of things and people out of my life.

BUt that's not the way how life works. You cant really live in isolation. And it's not the truth.

Follow up at Neurosurgery Dept at HKL

TOday was the first and last follow up at the Neurosurgery dept in HKL. The doctor said that as far as Neuro dept is concerned, Dad's condition is stable. The blood from the ruptured vessel would have diffused. Blood pressure under control. Th only thing is the dementia has gotten worse, mood swings have heightened, so this will fall under Geriartric section to follow up. I tell you , these bloody government doctors. Get to work by 8am, Dad's appointment was at 830am and they want to go off for coffee break already. Sheesh.

thoughts and ramblings after a 10 day hiatus

I havent blogged in 10 days. Well, Blogger had erroneously blocked my account about a week ago, it somehow marked my account as a spammer but it's all sorted out now.

Lots of things have happened. Firstly, Dad completed his 18 session acupuncture on Sunday 12 december. So from this week onwards we only need to go 3 times a week. Yesterday was the first time in a month that i didnt have to be driving anywhere else besides going to the home to visit him.

Physically Dad is about the same - he seems to have plateaued. His strength is still there, albeit he is getting stronger but it's all marginal now. His coordination is still very poor. He is able to stand a bit more stable now, but still needs assistance.

Last week while spending time with Dad, I had a funny moment with him. He mentioned that I have a lot of friends and asked me why I wasnt getting married! I just said, "If I get married, who's going to look after you?" We of course laughed about it but deep inside there is a certain sadness. For my father, it is the desire that someone looks after his daughter. And for me likewise, when my father can no longer look after me I wish that soomeone else could look after me.I do miss having my father as my provider and protector, he's always looked after me all my life. But I have to move on and get over that idea. The roles have changed and I need to man up and wear the pants now. Nobody's going to look after me so I have no choice but to be strong.

Anyway aunty Suzy and aunty Rosalind came to visit last week. According to my sister, he cried twice while aunty Suzy was there. Cousin Daphne came to visit on SUnday. People have been so supportive. I should have stayed on to meet Daphne and her mom, but being the introvert that i am i wanted to go back and rest.

Today when brother went to visit him, apparently Dad played hide and seek with him and made him hide under the bed! It was all going well for 20 minutes then he broke down and cried. In his slurred speech he said to my brother that everyone has been very nice to him - from family members to non family... he got emotional.

Dad's mood seems to have worsened now that he is getting better. He gets agitated and restless at night. For the last one week he's been up at night, throwing tantrums, scolding people and asking to shift the furniture.We have no choice but to sedate him - we have put him on some sleeping pills prescribed earlier and he seemed to have slept soundly the last 2 nights. Mom called me earlier today at about 9ish - apparently he started throwing his tantrum again. Mom could hardly speak - she was highly stressed and she could have been crying. the nurses asked him why he was angry with everyone... to which he said, he wasnt angry at anyone else but himself - because he cant function like before. That broke my hart and made me cry. I just said a prayer and that was it. These days I cant even pray properly..just one liners..."Thank you God for this and that'... "Please heal my father"..."Please grant strength to mom". That kind of prayer. Simple, short one liners. Because I dont know what else to say. I dont know what else to pray for. And I;m tired.

I'm too tired to even think straight now. Signing off.

Acupuncture Day 12 - December 6, 2015

Today seemed like a blessed day. My day started at 5.30am, I was up early, had breakfast and went to church. I left church after the sermon , did some grocery shopping at TMC , then went to fetch Dad for acupunture. Seemed like a peaceful and blessed kind of day, spent the morning with Dad for acupunture until after lunch. I went to collect rental for Mom, and then shopped for some toys for Dad to improve his coordination.

I left when Dad was having dinner, went back home and had an early dinner. I felt peaceful until Mom called about 8pm in the evening. She said Dad was getting aggressive, he was shouting at everyone until she had to call my brother in to pacify him. It's his dementia acting up again. My heart felt unsettled. I hope they forgive him. I hope they understand it's his disease. And I pray that he will have a restful night. Please Lord, let him sleep well tonight and not disturb anyone. I pray for my Mom for strength, physically and emotionally to tolerate him.

The take home message from church today was from Isaiah 40:8 "The grass withers and flowers fall, but the word of God endures forever". THis only serves as a reminder to me that everything that is happpening is temporary...all is fleeting..all things must pass. please let me find comfort in this.

Acupuncture Day 11 - 5 November 2015

Been really tired. I've gone for every single day of the acupuncture and Physio follow up at HKL. NOt that I am complaining, but I guess being single and living with your parents you bear the brunt of it. I'm just tired. And my sister is going off on holiday for 4 days tomorrow. Brother is busy with Claire's gymnastics grading. So that leaves me to do everything. Some days I feel I can take on the world, Some days I just dont want to wake up to face reality.

I dont know if Dad is regressing or he's having an off day today. I havent really been to observe his physio but I noticed he is a bit lazy to lift his leg.

Anyway today he forgot that he still doesnt have the strength to walk. He stood up to walk. I was having such a bad headache I fell asleep. But luckily I opened my eyes momentarily and saw him fall and managed to help him up before he hit his head.

Acupuncture Day 7 - 1 December 2015

Dad is able to stand a bit more stable now. Funny how I feel a sense of joy when he was able to stand....maybe that's how he felt when I first learnt to stand. How the roles have reversed.

Yesterday Hussain the security guard at the nursing home asked me if i was married, to which I replied 'no'. The poor chap look really puzzled and was not able to digest the fact that I was single. He scrunched up his face and asked "kenapa tak mau kahwin?' I replied that I just havent found anyone. Then he asked me" Bila tua siapa jaga?' I said, " I mari tinggal sini la!'

Anyway it's Day 7 of acupuncture. It's become a routine.....I hope it continues to improve dad's health.

Tired, that's all for now.

Accupuncture Day 6 - 28 November 2015

Day 6 today. Dr Law said Dad has improved 60%. Dad's getting stronger....that's really great... but now also comes the worrying part - he gets restless at night. He tends to wake up, wants to talk, shifts and fidgets around. For the last 2 nights he has been throwing tantrums at night, wanting to shift the furniture around and demanding all sorts of things. He's really like a kid - it would be dangerous to leave him alone. According to Mom, 2 nights ago he was found on the floor near the table. Apparently he did not fall but he managed to push the bed off the wall and somehow slide himself on the floor to the table.

Another great thing is that he has been having a really good appetite. He can eat like 7 times a day.

This evening , after his dinner, which he complete finished everything, I took him for a walk around the pool... we enjoyed the fresh air and watched the sunset. Then I noticed his stubbles on his chin was getting too long, so I gave his face a shave outside. Mom was also sitting by the poolside reading the papers. Even though I've been so busy running around, I somehow feel so blessed to be able to spend this time with them. Even though sometimes I feel like a loser - ie never getting married and still stuck with my parents at this age - there is a certain sort of peace I feel being able to look after my parents and do things for them. I think I'm doing all i can, I dont feel any regret that i didnt do enough.

Sometimes I dont know If I am still in denial, or I've just come to accept reality. Or if I'm that strong. Or if I even have faith in God. I dont know. You just get on with it, I guess.