thoughts and ramblings after a 10 day hiatus

I havent blogged in 10 days. Well, Blogger had erroneously blocked my account about a week ago, it somehow marked my account as a spammer but it's all sorted out now.

Lots of things have happened. Firstly, Dad completed his 18 session acupuncture on Sunday 12 december. So from this week onwards we only need to go 3 times a week. Yesterday was the first time in a month that i didnt have to be driving anywhere else besides going to the home to visit him.

Physically Dad is about the same - he seems to have plateaued. His strength is still there, albeit he is getting stronger but it's all marginal now. His coordination is still very poor. He is able to stand a bit more stable now, but still needs assistance.

Last week while spending time with Dad, I had a funny moment with him. He mentioned that I have a lot of friends and asked me why I wasnt getting married! I just said, "If I get married, who's going to look after you?" We of course laughed about it but deep inside there is a certain sadness. For my father, it is the desire that someone looks after his daughter. And for me likewise, when my father can no longer look after me I wish that soomeone else could look after me.I do miss having my father as my provider and protector, he's always looked after me all my life. But I have to move on and get over that idea. The roles have changed and I need to man up and wear the pants now. Nobody's going to look after me so I have no choice but to be strong.

Anyway aunty Suzy and aunty Rosalind came to visit last week. According to my sister, he cried twice while aunty Suzy was there. Cousin Daphne came to visit on SUnday. People have been so supportive. I should have stayed on to meet Daphne and her mom, but being the introvert that i am i wanted to go back and rest.

Today when brother went to visit him, apparently Dad played hide and seek with him and made him hide under the bed! It was all going well for 20 minutes then he broke down and cried. In his slurred speech he said to my brother that everyone has been very nice to him - from family members to non family... he got emotional.

Dad's mood seems to have worsened now that he is getting better. He gets agitated and restless at night. For the last one week he's been up at night, throwing tantrums, scolding people and asking to shift the furniture.We have no choice but to sedate him - we have put him on some sleeping pills prescribed earlier and he seemed to have slept soundly the last 2 nights. Mom called me earlier today at about 9ish - apparently he started throwing his tantrum again. Mom could hardly speak - she was highly stressed and she could have been crying. the nurses asked him why he was angry with everyone... to which he said, he wasnt angry at anyone else but himself - because he cant function like before. That broke my hart and made me cry. I just said a prayer and that was it. These days I cant even pray properly..just one liners..."Thank you God for this and that'... "Please heal my father"..."Please grant strength to mom". That kind of prayer. Simple, short one liners. Because I dont know what else to say. I dont know what else to pray for. And I;m tired.

I'm too tired to even think straight now. Signing off.

Accupuncture Day 1 - 23 November 2015

Second uncle was kind enough to bring Dad to the accupuncturist today. This accupuncturist is a friend of his, who is a dentist by profession but has practised accupuncture, specialising in stroke patients for the last 40 years. His practice is somehwere in Selayang, where the Ground and First Floors of the building is used tor accupuncture, and the second floor, his dentist clinic. (I note that there is a chiller on the Ground floor which has a sign which says " Free Durian Ice Cream", however the chiller was empty)

I signed up for an 18 session package, which costed me RM1300. I really hope this helps to a certain extent. Of course the damage has been done, you cant ever get back to pre-stroke days, but i really hope it strengthens him.

Anyway, on physio today, Dad seemed to have a bit of difficulty coordinating his right hand..he will be doing all sorts of things with it, then when I ask him to do the exercises on his left hand, which is his good hand, he keeps doing it on the right hand still. He has difficulty lifting the right hand above table level when he is seated, and it starts to move everywhere. He looks like he is about to give up, but I have to keep encouraging him. It just breaks my heart. I know he is frustrated and so am I.

After dinner Dad went to sleep, he was curled up under the comforter. I watched him sleep like a baby, while Mom dozed off while seated in her chair. In the silence, I heard from a distance the call to prayer, and in my heart I prayed to the Lord as well. I hope this accupuncture treatment works, and I hope Dad gets better. I pray my Mom remains healthy and strong during this time.

Most of the time I behave like I've got my act together but it's in these quiet moments that I always break down.

It's only been 2 weeks , but I miss having my folks at home.

Guilty - 21 November 2015

So apparently my dad complained that I am giving him too much exercise...what I'm giving him isnt any different from what the physio gives him, in fact I made it in a more relaxed manner... in between exercises I took him around the swimming pool on the wheelchair. I just didnt want him making excuses not to do the exercises....you know how quickly one loses strength when we stop exercising.

Maybe I pushed him too hard? I dont know. But I am the disciplinarian sort of person - If the physio says cycle for 15 minutes, then 15 minutes it is. And he didnt look like he was in any kind of pain or discomfort when he was doing it.But he made a lot of noise AFTER the exercise.

I feel guilty and lousy about the whole thing. Maybe I shouldnt be so hard on him, and not so hard on myself either. I'm just trying my best. I really shouldnt let myself be affected so easily. Oh well, the only thing I can look forward to to take my mind of things is it's football weekend again tonight after a break last week.

Tired - 21 November 2015

I have been so tired that on a few occasions, I've dozed off to sleep in the hall wearing the same clothes I have been wearing all day, with the lights on. I've only managed to clock in exercise twice this week, the other days being very tired and needing a lie-in

I'm still on a bit of a roller coaster, even tearing when I read Philippians 3:7-14 today. But I am reminded to press on forward and not look back, making the best of what I have now and not what I wish life would be.

I also have to remember that my assignment on this earth is temporary, and my purpose in life is to fulfill His purpose and not my selfish purposes. It is tough, I long for many things to do, to explore this world, to have someone to hold me and say "everything's going to be ok" but hey, I dont get to choose.. I really dont.Everything I've ever had I've been made to wait... wait.. and wait. I have to believe that this is going to make me a better and stronger person.

It's hard to let go of my ideals but maybe I should just stop fighting it and as a friend said "DOn't think so much. just go with the flow"

It's been quite nice preparing meals for Mom, although simple ones since I don't have a lot of time and I have to manage between work and visiting Dad. It brings me back to the time where she would prepare my meals in the morning for me to take to school. There's a sense of joy in being able to give back to my parents what they have given to me.I think my Mom's proud of me and it's a wonderful feeling.

Emotional check 18 November 2015

Frustrated. Anxiety.Tired.

I feel pretty frustrated doing the physio as he can't follow instructions properly. And he can't keep his right leg straight. He always had his eyes closed and not looking at what he does.

then there is that renovation to think about.

Slight Progress - 16 November 2015

Today I was not weepy at all. Ok, it looks like on days that i do exercise, the tendency is for me not to feel down. I guess I still need to squeeze in exercise no matter how busy I am. Started the day with some tabata training. I find that high intensity exercises help me to cope with stress better.

We've been eating out quite a bit so I've decided to prepare meals for my Mom. I dont know how working moms do it, balance between looking after the kids and working. I sometimes prepare the ingredients the night before so it's less of a rush for me in the morning. I usually have to get everything done before 11am as I need to ensure that Dad gets his physio done before 11.30am. I also need to plan my meals a day before so that I can thaw any meat if required. Then I find myself sweeping dried leaves from the porch..things that i never used to do!

TOday I noticed that Dad can turn over to his left side. Before this he could only turn to his right side as his right side is the weaker side. Today he also obediently did his physio without any resistance and was extremely cooperative. Usually he would pull a long face when I ask him to do it but obliges the physiotherapist instead. He did almost non stop 10 minutes of cycling. I also notice he does the exercises on his own whenever he is awake without prompting. Today he learnt to squeeze a stressball.

Sometimes I just feel panicky, like my heart is racing and I need to take deep breaths to calm myself. I remind myself that this situation is not special to me..that there are many people going through it too. I should really stop having this "why me?" mentality.

The Support Has Been Incredible - 15 November 2015

The support I have received from friends and family near and afar has been incredible. My uncle in Boston calls up every so often, an old friend of parents called in from Singapore today, and a cousin from Klang came to visit. Relatives who have heard about it have been sending messages. My friends have offered their prayers and sympathy. But the thing is, I feel the support and yet it feels like a lonely road. I appreciate all the calls and messages but sometimes it feels like a lonely road because you still have to walk it.People support you but you still have to walk it, no one else can walk it for you.

And being single, naturally you instantaneously have to take a bigger slice of the cake.Not that this is an appropriate time to be moping or complaining about my relationship status but that's the reality of it. Not that I am complaining of having to look after my parents - in fact it is an honour and privilege to be able to look after your paretns but that's how things work in reality. I know friends will suggest that we fix a schedule and every child has their turn but the sad hard reality is that people with kids have their world revolve around their kids while singles well, have 'no life'. Taking a bigger slice of the duties also means one thing - being able to see the progress and little things that Dad does. And that's where it makes it an emotional exercise.I cry when I watch him relearn to eat. I cry when I see him raise his arm and he's moving it like a kid. I am happy but sad.I am happy when I see him progress. Then when I come home,the water works start.

I know social media is a bad influence, but sometimes you do end up looking at your peers' pictures , especially couples, and you think: that's what life should be in your 40s...building a whole new life with someone, exploring the world and such. But of course Facebook doesnt really give you the whole picture...if anything my profile looks like I am having such a fabulous life. Nobody knows the pain that I am going through. But it does make you think, "hey, why is everyone moving forward but I am going backwards?"

Anyway, I am very thankful though, that my cousin came to visit. For the first time in a few days I saw a big smile on Dad's face and his face lit up.He was laughing when we were talking.

I really dont know what God wants out of me. On one hand I should be thankful that I am afflicted, because it means I am on the right path..suffering is the road to glory in God's kingdom, as did Jesus. But I dont necessarily know that I will respond in the right way. I feel like I dont have enough faith. How do I believe more that He has such a wonderful plan for me at the end of the journey?I dont feel like I know how to rely on God, I dont.Is this the result of years of having a cushy and comfortable life?I never thought my life would be like this. Especially when I am at the prime of my life..I have sufficient money to do some things that I like and I have had enough experience (that's what I'd like to believe..) but yet I am being held back.

Anyway today's messagein church was from Mark 10:32 - 45...about greatnesss. God's view of greatness is totally the opposite of the world's view of greatness. In the world, greatness means wealth, status, position. SOmetimes I do feel like a loser. I dont have anything to boast for. Whatever I have has been a result of hard work, I am not the most brilliant person on earth, and I am someone people will easily look over because I am not loud and go about in my quiet way. The road to greatness requires a life of humility and servitude. I guess maybe God is trying to break me for this...But why dont I feel comforted with this fact?

Rollercoaster - 14 November 2015

The roller coaster emotions have begun. So far I have been feeling really positive. Yesterday passed by without me shedding a tear, and my emotions reflected that of the day - bright, sunny with blue skies. Infact I was still feeling on top of the world this morning. Dad has made such wonderful progress in physio. He is able to touch his head and nose with his right hand, as well as cycle. He has been able to sit upright at the table for his meals.

Suddenly my emotions dipped during the second half of the day. Fear crept into me. I downloaded some guide to surviving stroke, and it reminded me that life will never be the same after a stroke..then it made me think, is my positive attitude because I am in denial? Am I deluded? Or just plain positive? I was also told that the first 5 -30 days after a stroke is the most critical time to get the physio done....any improvement thereafter is immaterial. Then the fear crept in again. What if Dad never stands again? Never walks again?

I watched him have his dinner. He is learning to be independent again but had to use his left hand to feed himself. It broke my heart to watch him learn to eat and to do the easy basic things in life which we take for granted. I just cried.

The most difficult part is the aphasia. Fortunately or unfortunately he already had this problem due to dementia - it's when the thought is in your head and you know what it is, but you cant verbalise it. he would keep repeating the same things again and again, and using numbers. When he talked about meals, he referred to it as 1, 2, 3, 4 - 1 being breakfast, 2 lunch, 3 tea and 4 dinner...then he would repeat himself again and again. The heartbreaking part is not being able to understand each other.He would tell me something and most of the time I am not able to understand him but I agree in order not to get him flustered, and hoping that he would have forgotten the conversation by the next day.

I took Mom out for dinner, brought her back home for her to shower and pack more things, and then I dropped her off at the home again. I came home and just bawled my eyes out. I had earlier planned to have dinner with my girlfriends but had to cancel after this all happened. But they called me up and said they would take me out for drinks.Girlfriends are really the best.

I just pray very hard that Dad would heal and that he would find his mobility again.